Please, let me fuck your mom
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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