be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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