I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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