oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
