So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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