I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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