tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
