Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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