I'm jealous of your bromance
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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