News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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