I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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