my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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