Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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