Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
