remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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