What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
