I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
