I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
There's always time for handjobs
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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