Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just high enough for therapy.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
