I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
