'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
me + whiskey = a bad person
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
