I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
