My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
