Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
