I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
