Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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