just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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