she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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