Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
