Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i need some magic done to my vagina
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
