Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
