Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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