I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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