i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
