If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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