i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
