i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
