I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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