Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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