pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
