I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
