your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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