It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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