someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
