I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Be still, my beating vagina.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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