I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
