clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
