Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
