Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
