The maid of honor just puked.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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