Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she peed on how many people?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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