He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
