Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I will pee on everything he values.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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