Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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