she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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